Friday, February 5, 2016

Sex After Marriage OR Should I test drive it first?

"It seems like you're ready, Girl are you ready, To go all the way, All the way....", is the lyrics to R. Kelly's song "Seem Like You're Ready" on his 12 Play album. Sex before or after marriage has been the ongoing topic since our parents sat us down to have "THE TALK". During the sex talks, our parents would end with "wait until you get married to have sex." But as we got older, during our teenage years, our hormones began to kick in. Some held out and some gave in. The feeling of having sex, making love or a good hardcore pounding is strong and sometimes over powering. But lately, people have been tossing with the idea of waiting until marriage or becoming a born again virgin.

No matter what people tell you what to do, it will always be a difficult decision. Trust me, this is coming from a person that has and still is experiencing both sides. I grew up with my parents telling me to wait until I was married. I have a son, so waiting wasn't an option for me. I understand the saying "test drive it first." Before you get married, you want to make sure your spouse knows how to please you thoroughly and to ante up your sex ability too. The worst is, is to be married to someone who can't please you sexually. Yes, sex isn't the ONLY and MAIN thing in a successful marriage but it sure does help. Sex before marriage can also be healthy in a committed relationship. It can connect both partners not just on a physical level but emotional as well. A male friend told me that most of the time it can decrease a person's desire to cheat. But let's be honest, there are sex addicts in the world. That wouldn't stop them from satisfying their sexual needs. Sex before marriage can emotionally bond the individual by them caring for the others needs before their own. There are many times when sometimes you just want to be held and given the simple kiss on the forehead. Sex before marriage can be a whirlwind of romance and it can also be a tornado of destruction. It can leave you feeling empty and depressed because you've given your body to someone you've loved or liked and thought the feelings were mutal. In the end, some has ended up with 10 and more sex partners before they finally meet the one they marry. It's a trial and error. It's the test drive the car before I drive it off the showroom floor before deciding to drive it home for good.

In the line of sex before marriage, there are the in between people. I call these people "The Born Again Virgins." And I fit right into this category. I've been a born again virgin for 8 years now. It was by CHOICE.......sort of. You see, my boyfriend of 8 years is a virgin. And he is the one who believes in sex after marriage. He made it quite clear about his choice before we began dating. It's his religious and personal beliefs and his strength in God that made him stand firm in holding out until we are married. The question many people ask us is, is it easy to not have sex? And I have to be honest. HECK NO! And then SOMETIMES. Born again virgins have to live their sexual fantasies through their friends stories, movies, books and music. Trust me, music can take you to a place of no return or make you re-live those moments that you can't wait to experience those feelings again. It becomes frustrating to hear about the sex stories or sometimes be happy for married couples on Valentine's Day or any day because we just know they are going to have sex and we choose not to. Yes, CHOOSE because we CAN. A simple phone call to an ex or a friend can put an end to the drought. So, why the torture? Yup, torture because at times that's what it feels like? It's the respect that we have for ourselves and our partner who is also deciding to wait. I made the choice of being a born again virgin because I knew I found a great man and just like anything else, he is worth the wait. Some make the decision because they are tired of the empty-minded sex and heartbreaks that are in the end. No matter how you put it, Either way it's difficult.

Now sex after marriage is a beautiful thing. You have one spouse to entertain all over the house with, without no one shaking their fingers and heads at the both of you because the bed is undefiled. Many people who waited or is still waiting make their decision based on their biblical beliefs. The Scriptures makes many references about not having sex before marriage. There are about 15 verses in the Bible about sex before and after marriage. There are 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, Hebrews 13:4, Exodus 22:16, 1Corinthians 6:18-20 and the list goes on. Can it be the fear of God? Maybe.  But there are some virgins who are simply waiting to have sex after they get married because they want to go against the grain. They want to be different from everybody else who get caught up in having sex. As one 31 yr. old male virgin told me, "its a sense of freedom." He feels that sex is sacred and that anything that is sacred is valuable. And that having sex should be shared with that special one that is worth the wait after making a committed vow before God, family and friends ( the marriage ceremony). Well you can't argue with someone who holds their unbroken seal on a high spectrum.

I guess the question is how many times should we test drive the "ride" before settling down? That depends on the person. They can test drive as many times as they want. But what happens when they get married? What if they marry someone with lack of sexual encounters or a VIRGIN? The expection will be there in hoping that the spouse who doesn't have more to absolutely no sexual encounters, can please them in comparison to the others that have entered their soul. They now have failed expectations. A married couple I spoke to said that they had to show the other what they like, how they want to be touched and everything else. But no one wants to show a spouse how it should be done. During the Honeymoon, you want to make each other scream with passion, teaching isn't an option. A person who had sex before marriage, enters a marriage assuming their spouse knows what to do and how it should be "put down." You never expect to have to show someone how to please you. They should have learned through X-Rated videos. Assuming they have to fake the funk and just know what they're doing like J. Cole in his song "Wet Dreams."

So sex after marriage or test drive it first? It's up to that person. As an 8 year born again virgin, I can tell you that it isn't easy. Speaking for myself, I have my good days and I have my bad days. It feels good to not have the pressure to have sex on days when I just want to chill, and trust me those days are very few. I've learned to enjoy his company and be best friends and lovers. Sure. we kiss and make-out but when things get hot and heavy, we both ease back. It gets frustrating because there are times I just want to rip his clothes off. But the respect that I have for him out weighs everything. He loves holding me and embracing me while I'm standing up being occupied with the house chores. He tells me that it takes all of him not to give in. He admits that it isn't easy for him either. I know being in a relationship for 8 years is a whole other blog and story. But as we approach our wedding day, we learn how to be best friends first. When you can enjoy someone's company and have a great time and have great chemistry in the process, having sex is just the crème on the top.

So, in the meantime, I'm still waiting until our wedding day. We'll be waiting like the rest who are waiting for marriage. So, I say, if you choose to test drive that "ride" before you get married, be safe and weigh out YOUR OWN personal pros and cons. But if you choose to wait, hang in there. God knows it isn't easy. But we'll get through. Until then me and my boyfriend will begin to read the book called "The Wait" by DeVon Franklin and his wife Meagan Good who also decided to wait until marriage. Evenually our and your wait will be over too.


  1. Excellent blog. I think you touched on many different perspectives as to why people are choosing to wait. This is a bold topic that most people don't want to discus, but is necessary to talk about.

    1. It's definitely something that people should talk about. This is something that everyone deals with or have dealt with at sometime in their life.

  2. That's 8 years of masturbation seriously, for you and your Man.