Stage 4: Bargaining: Let's Make a Deal
That's what this stage is all about.... Let's Make a Deal! That's what Bargaining is, making a deal. You are probably wondering how can you make a deal with someone after being angry. It's simple, we go through this stage to try to get what we want, even if the person passed away. The bargaining after a loss is to negotiate the pain away. But before we go through all of that, let's take a closer look at bargaining. We have always gone through life trying to bargain with people. I can remember, ( I'm sure you can too), at end of the marking period during my Junior year in high school, I knew I was going to fail a class. I went to my teacher and asked her how can I bring my D average to at least a C. At that point, I was desperate. I negotiated and pleaded with my teacher to give me extra credit and extra assignments. It worked and I passed the class with a high C. But what about those times when you tried to negotiate your way out or into a situation, such as, going to a friend's house party, extending your curfew, getting re-hired from the job that fired you, getting back with your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. The list goes on. We've all have learned how to bargain in our life. For some, they've become experts. This is quite normal.
The bargaining stage is when you attempt to negotiate with God, a person, or something that you feel that has some control over the situation. You may make promises to God in return for the painful situation not to occur or for things to go back to the way it used to be. Speaking for myself, I sort God for healing and not for a negotiation. But those who are spiritual and have a relationship with God, must be careful not to make your healing part of your bargaining. It's very easy to fall into situation and in doing so, you can become extremely hurt and turn your back on God as well. Trust me, I've came close to doing so.
During this time you will find yourself extremely focused on what you and others involved in the situation could have done differently. You begin to bargain in your mind first and create stories and scenarios of how it could have been. Or what it would be like like if there was another chance. What if, you sent the proposal to the carrier on time, maybe the company wouldn't had missed the deal with the buyer. What if, you took your husband to the doctor's office instead of waiting for him to take himself, maybe the cancer would have been caught on time. Or what if, you left the house a couple of minutes earlier or later, you would have avoided that accident.
Bottom Line: Bargaining never finds a permanent solution. The bargaining stage will help the person accept the truth on and emotional and psychological level. Just listening to a person go through their "what ifs" will help them. This helps them face the reality and go into the next stage: Depression. When people are bargaining, don't offer them false hope. Never offer them something or tell them something that can't be fulfilled. Doing this you may push them into depression but it's a necessary move.
There isn't a set time for the bargaining stage to be over. No one knows how long it lasts. Each person is different. I went through the bargaining stage for about a week until I realize that my new normal is my temporary reality. Why temporary? Because as long as you are still living, you have another chance to get it right, become a better person, grow wiser, and love yourself more, you have a chance to make things a healthful permanent reality. Understand also, that you don't have to experience every single stage and in this order. I'm mentoring one person who is in the bargaining stage and the individual never went through the anger stage. You may skip the bargaining stage, the anger stage, etc and go directly to acceptance. There have been some people who hasn't experience depression. So what!! Their story is NOT your story.
You may find yourself or someone stuck in a stage. Yes, even the bargaining stage, they or you may feel yourself slipping further into sadness. That's what happens. The bargaining stage often includes those feelings of intense sadness and guilt which lead to depression. This is where I'm going to stop. Because this is going into the next stage Depression. But I want to tell you, if your feelings of grief at this point is turning into thoughts of suicide, inability to function at home and at work, or you're becoming a functional depressed individual, which I will explain next week, you MUST seek professional help ASAP.
Look for some NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, Programs in your area.
Or you can contact them at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org
Next Week: Stage 5: Depression
