Whisper Out Loud: When They See Us

Whisper Out Loud: When They See Us: When They See Us Just like so many people, the first thing I did when I got home was watch When They See Us , by Ava DuVernacy, when ...

When They See Us

When They See Us

Just like so many people, the first thing I did when I got home was watch When They See Us, by Ava DuVernacy, when it dropped on Netflix. This mini series is about the injustice and abuse of the US Justice System during the Central Park 5 jogger case. The Central Park 5 case is about 5 innocent Harlem young men, Korey Wise, Kevin Richardson, Raymond Santana, Antron McCray, and Yusef Salaam, who were unjustly interrogated and falsely imprisoned for 5 -15 years in prison. The police officers and detectives coerced the young men into having them admit that they were guilty by promising them they would leave and go home. They aggressively interrogated the young men for nearly 24 hours without food, sleep, a lawyer, and their parents. The young men at the time were minors. The young men were between the ages of 14 and 16. Yusef was 15 years old at the time, but had shown a fake ID that stated he was 16. But when his mother arrived, the police stopped the interrogation, however, his forced admission was still used into the testimony. This was the same situation with the other 4 young men. The young men kept saying that they never saw the woman, never raped, assaulted, or robbed anyone, especially the woman the police officers and detectives said they did those things to. They pleaded and cried trying to tell them that they have the wrong person. Before the trial, the FBI even tested the DNA and found out that it did not match to any of the young men. But the 5 young men were still found guilty. All 5 young men spent between 6 -15 years in prison. But in 2002, a convicted serial rapist and murder, Matias Reyes, who was already serving a life sentence, confessed to raping the woman. The DNA also confirmed his confession, but Reyes wasn't prosecuted because the statute of limitations had passed. The 5 men were vacated on December 19, 2002. By this time, they had completed their prison sentences. This only cleared their name from the charges and were removed from New York State's sex offender registry. In 2003, Kevin, Raymond, and Antron sued the city for $250 million dollars for malicious prosecution, racial discrimination, and emotional distress. The city refused to settle the suit because they knew the men would win the case. However, current mayor, Mayor DeBlasio, gave a settlement in the case for about $40 million dollars. 

This situation has been a common occurrence amongst the African American community. Mainly with false imprisonment with black men. Clifford Williams, 76, and Nathan Myers, 61, were wrongfully convicted and finally free after 43 years in prison. Ray Towler, 62, was also wrongfully convicted and was in prison for nearly 30 years and was just released. And Keith Bush who was arrested at 17 years old for being falsely imprisoned for strangling a 14 year old girl in New York. Mr. Bush said that the police beaten him and forced him to sign a confession that he never read. The DNA also did not match Mr. Bush's sample. This sounds familiar, doesn't it? After 44 years he was exonerated. There are thousands of innocent inmates with the same situations as the gentlemen I mentioned and the Central Park 5 young men. Most of the innocent inmates were arrested between 1619 (the beginning of slavery) to the present time here in the United States. African Americans did not and still do not have a proper trial. They are already guilty because of the color of their skin. There wasn't a fair trial, lies that were told were taken as truths, false DNAs was taken while the real DNAs were either thrown in the trash or never taken. Written confessions were forged or the innocent person being charged were threaten with his or her life to sign the unread confession. And sometimes if the confession was read, it was read with lies telling the innocent person that they could go home or that they wouldn't be charged. Whereas, the confession was the complete opposite. This is why white people during slavery time did not want black people to learn how to read and write. They knew we would become a threat and become smart, wiser than them. Their goal was to keep us suppressed. If the parents can't read or write, then they can't help their children, and the cycle continues. So during that time and unfortunately now, people of color doesn't understand what they are reading or some still don't know how to read which led to police officers and detectives lying to them about what is written in the confession. And for those who do know how to read, write and can fully comprehend what the confession says, are beaten and threaten to sign. And majority of those that are beaten and threaten to sign and give false confessions are minors. 

This is unfortunate that this has happened and thousands of innocent lives are falsely imprisoned. Lives are shattered and sometimes aren't fully restored. Some innocent convictions are never given millions of dollars for damages and false imprisonment. Some are given maybe 10 or 50 thousand dollars when they are exonerated and sadly, some aren't given any funds. When I watched When They See Us, it was difficult, breath-taking painful and hurtful to watch. There were a couple of times I wanted to stop it and watch something else, but I thought about those young men, their parents, and hundreds of other families that had to suffer through the same ordeal. They couldn't pause or stop the situation and come back to it or dismiss it altogether. The raw emotions I felt had me thinking about my own son. When every parent should be concerned  about their child getting accepted into college, having enough money for prom, their child driving their first car, etc., parents of color have to worry about their children experiencing tormenting racism that would get their child or children shot, killed or falsely imprisoned. A system that was written and created to protect every person in the United States that is arrested, does an injustice to people of color. The system that employed people to serve and protect came with a stipulation. Let's face it, the system doesn't work for black people and Latinos. Too many times we hear about the injustice that is being done in our community. Thanks to the Internet, everything is at the tip of our fingers. We are able to go back in time to research evidence that was thrown out or things that were covered only to be uncovered, by people, BLACK and WHITE, who are fed up with the injustice system. Unfortunately, hundreds and probably thousands of innocent people are either still locked up or died in prison. 

Now that When They See Us aired, cases are being reopened and voices of the innocent behind the prison walls will finally be heard. Not all will be heard, but now When They See Us, maybe they will SEE US! 

"It's My Body." said the woman.

"It's My Body." said the woman.

I'm going to just throw it out there. The government is controlling everything and now want to control what a woman can do with her body. This has been a huge controversial topic within the last couple of months because of the changes in the law in certain states. Before I dive into all of that, let's look at this closely. But, first let me just say that I am Pro-Choice, but will view the other side, Pro-Life. 

Abortion has been a controversial topic throughout history on every level from religious views to the political arena. Laws has restricted and limited this practice. Contraceptives has been used to prevent pregnancies, but like most things, it isn't 100% preventative. The unpreventable pregnancies are the ones that are usually aborted with the female's decision. Why? Because it's her body. There are three countries in Latin America that banned abortion. They are Dominican Republic, El Salvador and Nicaragua, and there are two countries in Europe, which are Malta and Holy See (which is not Vatican City), that banned abortion entirely as well. But here in the United States, before Roe vs. Wade in 1973, abortion was already legal in several states with certain restrictions.

Abortion laws in the U.S. before Roe   Illegal (30)   Legal in case of rape (1)   Legal in case of danger to woman's health (2)   Legal in case of danger to woman's health, rape or incest, or likely damaged fetus (13)   Legal on request (4) 

By Lokal_Profil, CC BY-SA 2.5, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3179491

But here we are going back. The world before January 22, 1973 has reared its head here in 2019. Nine states had passed Bills to limit the procedure. Ohio, Utah, Montana, Kentucky, Arkansas, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and the latest to join the ranks, Louisiana. Now Louisiana passed a Bill to ban abortion after a heartbeat is detected. This can challenge the constitutional woman's right in Roe vs. Wade. The crazy thing about this is that, I feel like this will not be the last state to take it to this extreme. I think there will be others that will follow suit.

Let's look at their Pro-Life reasons. 

1. Their argument first goes to saying that it is an act of murder. It's killing a human life, an innocent human life. They say that once something has an heartbeat, there is life. Pro-Life advocates use the Scriptures to back up their argument as well. In the Ten Commandments that God gave to Moses to give to his people in Exodus 20:13, it says, "Thou shalt not murder." It was reminded to the people again in Deuteronomy 5:17.

2. If people are charged and imprisoned for committing murder, then it should hold the same weight for someone who has an abortion.

3. Instead of aborting the baby, place the baby up for adoption so families who can't have children and would like to adopt will be given the opportunity to become parents. 

4. Having an abortion and/or multiple abortions can cause a health risk for women later in life when they want to have children. Their argument states that there can be risks of the woman having an ectopic pregnancy, miscarriages, and cancer.

5. Abortion can also cause depression and stress, which can lead to mental health issues. 

6. Abortion uses taxpayers money.

I know there are more reasons as to why there are people who choose Pro-Life, but I just want to look at the main 6 that I keep hearing about. Many people are shocked that I am Pro-Choice because I am a Christian.

Well first, I can't put the heartbeat theory in the same category as "Thou shall not murder." Why? Because the fetus is attached to the placenta and the umbilical cord is attached to the mother. In order for the fetus to survive, it need its source. It can't survive outside the womb before the first trimester and it has a significant low chance of survival during the middle of the second trimester. 

Second, Do you know how many children are still waiting to be adopted? Do you know the protocol of adopting a child and how much it cost to adopt a child? Do you know how picky people can be? They look at pictures of children who they want to adopt to see how they look, if they are disabled and if they are healthy. Because let's be honest, unfortunately, no one wants to have a child that has a disability. Adoption shouldn't be an alternative to abortion because it's the woman's choice because it's her body. 

Most women who do have abortion, get the procedure done during the first trimester which is from week 1 to the end of 12 weeks. Most women do not find out that they are pregnant until they are about 10 weeks. Because you know, we have this thing that's called a menstrual cycle better known as a Period. And sometimes the cycle changes due to weight gain, weight loss, stress, an hormonal imbalance, and yes, even pregnancy. Sure, we can take a pregnancy test and get the results. Sometimes its accurate and sometimes it isn't. And guess what, we would still have to make a doctor's appointment to get the results confirmed, which could take about 2 days to a week to be seen. So, the ALL MEN SENATOR VOTERS that voted and wrote those bills and the other men who want to have a say about a woman's body, you have no idea what takes place in our body. You don't know what it feels like to be pregnant or even have a feeling or an inkling of the emotions we experience. And you know what... YOU NEVER WILL. 

Most women who get the procedure done use the money out of their own pocket to get the abortion. So complaining about the use of tax dollars needs to stop. Put your frustration into why the tax dollars are being used to build more prisons to incarcerate the men of color, African Americans and Latinos. Or, why tax dollars are being taken away from the US education system that is paying our teachers and highly effective paraprofessionals pennies. How about that? 

Want to do population control? Control the semen that comes out of the man that causes the woman to become pregnant. Figure that out! Because where there is a problem, you should go directly to the source, correct? Well, who gets women pregnant...men. Try a condom..yeah, doesn't work all the time and some men are embarrassed to get the right size condom to even bother getting the correct ones. But I'm sure they wouldn't want to control men bodies. 

The repercussions to banning and putting limits on abortion can be severe. Before Roe vs. Wade, do you know women would resort in going to undercover, non-certified, basements or hotel rooms to get the procedure done which caused more damage to their body, causing them not to have children in the future, scaring organs, or killing them during or after the process. Some women would be so desperate that they would attempt to do the abortion themselves by using objects, such as wire hangers, use of hard drugs, such as cocaine, or excessive drinking of alcohol or gasoline to enforce a miscarriage. 

It's a woman's body. A woman should be the one to have the final say on what happens to her body and what needs to happen in her way. No one else. It's her choice. It's our choice. And no government, no man or woman on this planet should not have a say as to what I can and can't do with my body. Because "It's My Body."

Stage 6: Acceptance: New Beginnings

Stage 6: Acceptance... New Beginnings


                                                              

Stage 6: Acceptance... New Beginnings

This is the final stage. This stage brings us back to stability, where we are ready and actively involved with moving on to the next journey in our life. The person who lost a loved one is now putting their lives back together. Slowly packing away and giving away the clothes of their loved one, moving from the old place to a new place to start new memories, or rearranging each room in their home to bring forth the new change to their new reality. Each day becomes easier for them and the others who have lost their loved one. Each day their smile becomes wider and their giggles turns into laughter. 

The terminally ill person probably has entered into acceptance knowing that death is inevitable. So they make preparations for their death, write or update their will, spend more them with their loved ones, as they prepare to leave this world. Both the terminally ill person and their loved ones will slowly enter the acceptance stage knowing that their heart is now ready for their love ones final goodbye.

Those who have lost their jobs will be actively looking for work or going back to school for a career change. They are ready for something new. They probably came to the realization that their old job wasn't satisfying them anyway and the lay off or them being fired was the push they needed to spread their wings. They know the frivolous spending and some household wants like cable, have to be cutback. Believe it or not, but some people go through these stages when they know they must cut the cord, IE: turn off the cable.

Those who have ended a relationship, has accepted the new life of singleness. As scary as it was, they realize that they not only accepted that the relationship is over but they accepted the new individual they have become. They begin to learn more about themselves and see faults that they need to work on. It's a possibility that, that break-up was needed for them to become a better person. No one can see it at the time, but there is growth and renewal through the pain. 

Anytime there is a rebirth, there is pain. Anytime there is a push, there is discomfort. Anytime something needs to be fixed, there is a breaking. Just because acceptance has been reached, doesn't mean that the person feels great or right about what has happened or even with the decisions he or she had made. Most people will never feel okay about what they had to go through. Acceptance doesn't mean that you will forget everything and every feeling. You will always remember, but use what you've gone through as your testimony. Trust me someone will need it. 

Acceptance will not have you go back into denial. You will learn each day that this is your new reality both- good and bad. You will always remember that loved one. And out of sight, doesn't mean out of mind. And if that person or your past comes to sight, take a deep breath and breathe. No one said it will be easy, no one said you will never see, speak or touch that person anything. But they will be seeing, touching and speaking to a new person, a better person, a whole person in the making.

Some signs that you're starting to heal emotionally are:

• You set boundaries and stick to them
• You respect your body
• You surround yourself with people who lift you up (Circle of Safety) (Accountability Partners)
• You don't react as strongly to things that once bothered you
• You remember that there are multiple sides to every situation
• Your sleep schedule is back to normal
• Your relationship and friendships are more fulfilling
• You allow yourself to feel all the emotions. Even the bad ones.
• You spend less time numbing yourself with substances and distractions
• You are kind to yourself
• You practice forgiveness
• You dedicate a portion of your day to your growth
• You remember that healing isn't easy and it requires a lot of work

Make no mistake about it, life has changed. Your role and responsibilities has been changed. New priorities has been formed, new or restored relationships will be formed or reformed.

In the beginning, you may have more good days than bad ones. As time goes on, after a year and some change has past, you may feel depressed at times. And it's okay. Feel it. Do not fight the feeling. Afterwards, get up and continue on. Don't fall back. Keep moving forward because you're here. You've come too far for you to give up and slack off. 

Life continues. And life will be with you along the journey. Just keep pressing toward hope. 

                                                    

Stage 5: Depression...

Stage 5: Depression...

                                                      

Stage 5: Depression...

So many of us has been there. Millions of people have went through depression. Being depressed is feeling sad for a short period of time. But being in depression can last for weeks, months and even years. I think that the most powerful thing someone can admit to is being in depression. But usually the person won't admit it until they realize they need help. How do I know? I've gone through it. I'm going to be very transparent in this post because I know how it feels to go through depression. I remember, not wanting to do anything but stay in the bed, under the covers and just let life pass me by. I didn't care about anything or anyone except for my immediate family, ie: my son, parents and brother. My teenage son was the only reason I got up everyday to go work. I vaguely remember cooking dinner. Everything is blur. That's what happens when you are in depression. You don't remember anything. I wanted to be alone and left alone. 

Symptoms of Depression

• Angry outbursts, irritability and frustration 
• Feeling sad, empty, hopeless and always crying
• Tired, lack of energy
• Lack interest in normal activities
• Sleep disturbances, insomnia or sleeping too much
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Anxiety
• Slowly in thinking, moving, speaking
• Unexplained physical problems
• Thoughts of suicide
• Trouble thinking, making decisions and remembering things
• Feeling worthless or guilt
• Fixating on past failures or self-blame
• Antisocial

                                               

Like so many others, I've experience every single one of the symptoms except for 2:  suicidal thoughts and unexplained physical problems. Now you may wonder how is that even possible. I've became a Functional Depressive Individual (FDI). There are people who are alcoholics and drug addicts, but are able to function through the day. They are able to go to work, get things done, go through their regular routine, but on the inside they are screaming and crying. That was me. It can be hard to spot the signs of someone who is a functional depressive. You couldn't even tell if the person was in depression. My coworkers didn't have a clue or even knew what was going on in my private life. When I shared what had happened to me and how I felt a year after what transpired, they were shocked and amazed at how I kept it together. Although we can get through the day, getting things done, doesn't mean it's easy. It's not! We have heard stories of people committing suicide that no one saw coming because the person appeared to be doing great. The person had great friends, family and a good work life. People become boggled when they find out that the person who committed suicide was dealing with depression and have been hiding things from everyone, including their spouse. Being a FDI isn't easy!!!!

• It's absolutely draining to put on a fake smile. They don't feel like smiling and laughing, because they don't want people in their business. They don't want to talk about what they are feeling. They don't want to appear weak in front of anyone, except for themselves.

• They may work and complete tasks, but they aren't putting in their highest potential. Their work performance has become mediocre. They know it, but their co-workers see them excelling and doing their usually work performance. 

Understand that this isn't something I've made up, but Functional Depression is a real thing and it can have serious consequences if the person doesn't acknowledge and treat it. Antidepressants can help lift the mood. But just know that it will take weeks for the medication to work. If antidepressants is what you need, then I encourage you to take them. Just make it a short term thing because it can become addictive and you won't face your emotions head on. However, I would encourage you at this point to seek a therapist, especially if you are taking or are considering taking antidepressants. Eventually, you will have to face your issues. You will have to face the things, person or people that has you in depression. It's not easy and it will be hard, but it's all part of the healing process. This can be your new beginning.

There isn't a way to prevent depression. And even when you are over the issues, depression can still lurk it's ugly head. Here are some strategies I've came across that helped me.

• Take steps to control the stress. Remember I said in the post about Anger, I took Kickboxing/ Boxing classes. Do something that will help you release your stress.

• Talk to your family and friends. Remember I posted about have Accountability Partners and your circle of safety. This is where they will come in handy.

• Get treatment at the earliest sign of a problem. Talk to your therapist. Go to your doctor. They maybe be able to do other therapy treatments besides giving you antidepressants.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's okay and you will be okay. You will have your moments of depression but it won't last for long. You'll be depressed but not in depression. I still have my moments when I am depressed and just want to give up on hope and prayers, but I'm not in depression anymore. Depression no longer hold me captive and I know you will be released from your depression too. Something I tell myself almost every other day and I say it to people all the time... Trust the process and stick with the journey. 

                                           

Next week post: Acceptance... Your New Beginning is your new normal

Stage 4: Bargaining: Let's Make a Deal

Stage 4: Let's Make a Deal

                                              

Stage 4: Bargaining: Let's Make a Deal

That's what this stage is all about.... Let's Make a Deal! That's what Bargaining is, making a deal. You are probably wondering how can you make a deal with someone after being angry. It's simple, we go through this stage to try to get what we want, even if the person passed away. The bargaining after a loss is to negotiate the pain away. But before we go through all of that, let's take a closer look at bargaining. We have always gone through life trying to bargain with people. I can remember, ( I'm sure you can too), at end of the marking period during my Junior year in high school, I knew I was going to fail a class. I went to my teacher and asked her how can I bring my D average to at least a C. At that point, I was desperate. I negotiated and pleaded with my teacher to give me extra credit and extra assignments. It worked and I passed the class with a high C. But what about those times when you tried to negotiate your way out or into a situation, such as, going to a friend's house party, extending your curfew, getting re-hired from the job that fired you, getting back with your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. The list goes on. We've all have learned how to bargain in our life. For some, they've become experts. This is quite normal. 

The bargaining stage is when you attempt to negotiate with God, a person, or something that you feel that has some control over the situation. You may make promises to God in return for the painful situation not to occur or for things to go back to the way it used to be. Speaking for myself, I sort God for healing and not for a negotiation. But those who are spiritual and have a relationship with God, must be careful not to make your healing part of your bargaining. It's very easy to fall into situation and in doing so, you can become extremely hurt and turn your back on God as well. Trust me, I've came close to doing so. 

                                                

                                             

During this time you will find yourself extremely focused on what you and others involved in the situation could have done differently. You begin to bargain in your mind first and create stories and scenarios of how it could have been. Or what it would be like like if there was another chance. What if, you sent the proposal to the carrier on time, maybe the company wouldn't had missed the deal with the buyer. What if, you took your husband to the doctor's office instead of waiting for him to take himself, maybe the cancer would have been caught on time. Or what if, you left the house a couple of minutes earlier or later, you would have avoided that accident. 

Bottom Line: Bargaining never finds a permanent solution. The bargaining stage will help the person accept the truth on and emotional and psychological level. Just listening to a person go through their "what ifs" will help them. This helps them face the reality and go into the next stage: Depression. When people are bargaining, don't offer them false hope. Never offer them something or tell them something that can't be fulfilled. Doing this you may push them into depression but it's a necessary move. 

There isn't a set time for the bargaining stage to be over. No one knows how long it lasts. Each person is different. I went through the bargaining stage for about a week until I realize that my new normal is my temporary reality. Why temporary? Because as long as you are still living, you have another chance to get it right, become a better person, grow wiser, and love yourself more,  you have a chance to make things a healthful permanent reality. Understand also, that you don't have to experience every single stage and in this order. I'm mentoring one person who is in the bargaining stage and the individual never went through the anger stage. You may skip the bargaining stage, the anger stage, etc and go directly to acceptance. There have been some people who hasn't experience depression. So what!! Their story is NOT your story.

You may find yourself or someone stuck in a stage. Yes, even the bargaining stage, they or you may feel yourself slipping further into sadness. That's what happens. The bargaining stage often includes those feelings of intense sadness and guilt which lead to depression. This is where I'm going to stop. Because this is going into the next stage Depression. But I want to tell you, if your feelings of grief at this point is turning into thoughts of suicide, inability to function at home and at work, or you're becoming a functional depressed individual, which I will explain next week, you MUST seek professional help ASAP. 

Look for some NAMI,  National Alliance on Mental Illness, Programs in your area.

Or you can contact them at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org

                                                       

Next Week: Stage 5: Depression

Stage 3: Anger... You've Got Some Issues

Stage 3: Anger...You've Got Some Issues


                                  

Stage 3: Anger...You've Got Some Issues

We've heard that so many times going up. "You've got some issues." Haven't we all got some issues. We've also heard this phrase many of times growing up, "Why are you so mad? OR.... You stay mad?" Well, why is that? Why do so many of us stay mad in certain issues? It's because we haven't moved pass that anger stage from that particular circumstance. We tend to brush things under the rug and never address those issues that we've become numb to. But once awaken and once we are forced to confront that issue, that person, or that place, we become enraged with anger. And rightfully so. Some are non-violent in their anger and then there are those who become violent to others and to themselves. 

Anger is a stage that is very much necessary for the healing process to commence. Being angry at the situation, the person or even that particular place is normal. It may seem like the anger will never let up. One minute you're fine and then suddenly you are filled with anger. Something could have triggered it. Someone could have said something that had you remember the pain. Who knows? Anything can cause your anger to flare. The more you allow yourself to be angry, it will lessen over time and moving on will happen quickly and smoothly. 

Underneath the anger is pain, it's your pain. It's your pain that is releasing itself. Usually the anger that we hold in and the reason why people always ask, "Why you so mad and you stay mad," is so we don't have to feel that pain. Pain isn't a good feeling. It hurts. Excuse me for a moment and  let me be transparent, It hurts like hell! But we live in a world that fears anger. Society tells us not to be angry and to just let it go. Well, how are we supposed to let it go if we can't be angry. What if you are angry and want to stay angry? Well then stay angry! Stay angry until you don't have anymore anger left in you from that situation. Stay angry until your anger has exhausted you. I know that's new and probably hasn't been said before. But it's needed. 

If you've never seen this video. Please watch it. And if you want to scream it outside your window: SCREAM AWAY!

                                             

I've came across 3 steps to help you through anger. It helped me.

1. Recognize You're NOT Yourself. 

During your anger, you realize that you have to come to terms with your new normal. You will realize that your old life no longer exist and that in order for you to move on, you must adjust to the new normal. It's an uneasy, nervous, scary feeling but one thing that I reminded myself is: there is nothing new under the sun. Everyone has dealt with death, a break-up, a divorce, a loss of a job, and list goes on. And those people who experienced that same thing that I and you have experienced or is experiencing, guess what... they are living, they are loving life, they got back into the dating scene and got married, they had kids, they got the job they applied for with better pay than the job that fired them, and so on.

       2. Express Your Anger.

It's okay to be angry. And it's okay to release and express your anger. But one thing I've always heard growing up was what the Scriptures said. In the Bible, it tells you to be angry but don't sin in your anger. (Ephesians 4:26) Jesus got angry in the Scriptures. He flipped over tables and threw people out of the church who were using the church as a marketplace. (I know, that's a whole other topic.) But our anger can be constructive or destructive. Now, if you're being destructive, then you get everything what is coming for you. The Consequences. Choose to be constructive with your anger, channel it to something that will help you. For me, I took up kickboxing and boxing. I remember one day, I was feeling anxiety and extremely angry. I threw on my leggings and a t-shirt, grabbed my boxing gloves and headed to the gym. Once inside, I began to warm up, still feeling the anger, 10 minutes into the class, the instructor told us to attack the bag. And boy did I attack the bag. I pictured a face and went crazy. I did uppercut and side jab combos. Tears were streaming down my face. It felt great! It was the release that I needed. I hurt my wrist in the process but it released that anger.  If you can't get to the gym or isn't into working out, then give yourself some time to cool down. Go for a walk, take a nap, sit in silence, go get a massage, do something that makes you happy. 

         3. Ask For Forgiveness.

I know you may be confused about this but asking for forgiveness will release you from anger too. This is hard, very hard. We must practice and exhibit grace. This is the only way to let go of anger. We must not only ask for forgiveness but we must accept their forgiveness. Even if they never come to apologize. You are the only one that can let go of your anger. You are the only one that can choose to continue to live in your anger and harbor unforgiveness. Understand that holding in anger and unforgiveness shortens your life. The stress will kill you. If the person died, go to their grave site or write a letter or look at their picture and say what you wanted to say. Tell them what you wanted them to hear. 

Going through this stage is worth it. You will be a better person than you once were before. You may not want that right now and that's okay. In due time you will. When you do get there, know that you will experience some sort of anger from that situation in the future, but it will be different. The anger will be short and quick. And soon, it will be non-existent in the circumstance. Oh, and people who don't want others to be angry... I just want you to know that those who are going through it, absolutely hate when people tell them how they should feel and what they should do about it. How about NO! Everybody heals and express their angry differently. What works or have worked for you probably won't work for them. You don't need to create a robotic emotion within that person. Allow them to be angry. Most of the time, they aren't looking for solutions, they just want to be heard. So, close your mouth and listen. 

                                             

My friends, you got this. The power on the inside of you is greater than any obstacles in your reality. 

Next week: Stage 4: Bargaining 

Stage 2: Denial : Nope, that didn't happen.

Stage 2: Denial: Nope, that didn't happen.


                                       

Stage 2: Denial: Nope, that didn't happen.


Ok, so you received the bad news. Your world was turned upside down with the devastating news of being laid off, fired, an abrupt break-up, loss of your love one or any kind of upsetting news. So, now it's the unbelief that, that actually happened. A part of your life wasn't destroyed by some kind of unforeseen force. That didn't happen. You're good. You're worth the fight, the wait, the promotion, the love, the one more chance to be with your loved one. We go into denial to avoid the personal problem and the reality. If a situation is too much for us to handle, then we simply refuse to experience it at all. For some of us, that can turn into procrastination. You can continue to put off the experience until you can't put it off any longer. You have no other choice but to face it. But you're not there yet. You're still in denial, like so many others.

Being in denial may reduce the anxiety for a short period of time, but it is not a great way to deal with the situation in the long term. Eventually, the reality of the abrupt situation will kick in and would have no other choice but to feel the upcoming blocked emotions. Not dealing with the situation and staying in denial can have a negative impact in the long run.


                                         

I see denial as a lie to oneself. We would lie to ourselves that causes us to stay in denial. That lie can become comfortable. Sometimes people will stay in denial and try to continue their life as if nothing has changed. For example, a loss of a spouse. I've heard stories of spouses, still getting out of bed the day after they hear the news of their husband or wife passing, making breakfast and dinner for two, setting out their belongings, the typical things they do for the other; thinking to themselves that their passed away spouse would appear or come walking through the door. Another example, is after an abrupt break-up, the person is still calling and texting the person the day after as if it the relationship still exists. They're not thinking about the fierce argument that took place the day prior. Here's another example,  I had witnessed someone getting fired from their job, only to come back to work the next day, working as if he was never fired the day before. You can imagine everyone's confused expressions. Many of your family and friends, wouldn't say anything too abrupt at this time, but will ease you into the reality of the situation.

Denial can show up in many ways. When you are in denial you:

• Will not acknowledge the situation
• Try not to face the facts of the problem
• Downplay the possible consequences of the issue

Denial can stop us from taking on full responsibility for our choices and actions, causing us to blame others while we continue to make the same bad choices. We can point out the wrong in someone else, but fail to recognize that we are doing the same thing. That's denial. Placing the blame on others allows you to shift the responsibility for your actions to someone else.Understand that placing the blame on others doesn't fall with all kinds of unexpected devastation.

In some cases, short term denial can be a good thing. It can give you time to adjust to a painful situation or a very stressful issue. Being in denial can also help you prepare for the life change. For example, after the abrupt break- up, you might need a couple of days to process what happened and come to grips with the life altering changes that lie ahead of you. Or here's one that we all do. We may see something or experience something out of the norm in our body. So, we usually Google it, look it up on WebMd and then give ourselves the pep talk of, "It's nothing. It'll go away." And then we ignore it. Only to see that the lump has gotten larger or the pain has spread further up our back or leg. But as we come to terms and come out of denial, we approach the situation either more rationally or become angry as reality has finally taken a hold of our mind.

I want you to know that it is okay to tell someone that you don't want to talk about the situation. I still say this to some of my situations. You might need time to still work through what happened or to new circumstances. But understand that being in denial is temporary. So how do you come out of denial?

1. Be honest with yourself.
2. Realize the consequences of your procrastination.
3. Embrace your emotions. Don't suppress it.
4. Journaling
5. Go to your circle of safety or accountability partner(s)

If there isn't any kind of progress, then you are stuck in denial and need to seek professional help. They would be able to help you either cope with the situation or help you move into reality.

Bottom line: You have to want to enter reality.


                                     

Next week: Stage 3 Anger

Stage 1: Shock to the System

Stage 1: Shock to the System

                                         

Stage 1: Shock to the System

It starts with the WTH moment. For the older crowd, WTH stands for 'What The Heck' and I use the word 'heck' lightly. For the younger generation, it's the WTF moment. It's that suddenly in life, where if everything would to go wrong all at once, it would be that sudden event that just happened. That suddenly event that caused your world to stop. That shocking moment that just made all of your problems and trivial issues, appear non-existent.

When you're shocked, you can't breathe. Your body and mind is numb for that moment in time. All of your senses become null and void. You lose the vision of where you are because your mind isn't focused on your surrounding environment. Why do you think when people call you with bad news the first thing they ask you is, "Where are you?" It's because of your safety. Whatever they have to tell you, they don't want you to become distracted from your surroundings and put yourself and others in danger. Your hearing diminishes. After hearing what shocked your system, you're not listening to anything else they are saying. You are focused on the sudden event that was just said or done to you. Why do you think we ask them to repeat what they said. It's because you weren't focused on what was told to you afterwards. For example, I can't recall anything else after my mom told me that the doctor said she had breast cancer. I heard her talking but I wasn't listening to her. Maybe you was extremely hungry before you was called into the office at work and after hearing that you was being fired or laid off, the taste of hungry left. Shock became the food your body fed on.
Or upon hearing some shocking news, maybe you were surrounded by family and friends. And those who came to touch your shoulders or offer you a hug, you didn't feel their compassion. Your body went stiff. Your body went to numb to any sensation that was trying to soothe your pending emotion.

There are trigger reasons that causes us to go into shock. Some are:

• A sudden break-up in a relationship or engagement
• An unexpected divorce
• Sudden loss of a loved one
• Loss of a job (no income)
• Sexual Assault
• Diagnosis of a life-threatening, curable or incurable condition
• Humiliating experience

We experience the shock first because it's part of our body's response: the Fight, Flight, or Freeze response. Our mind is preparing us for sometimes a fast, thoughtless action, or trying to make sense of the news that was just told to us. Or sometimes the news is so shocking, our brain will cause our body to shut down, where we would pass out. Our body can take only so much pain and emotional overload. Since it's hard to think clearly when you are in shock, you should give yourself a chance to calm down, take deep breaths, remove yourself from the situation or person before reacting, unless you have to make a quick response. Some people go directly to Stage 3 which is Anger. I know I have. That usually happens when you experience a sudden break-up, loss or a job or a loss of a love one. That is quite natural. This is the body's Fight response. 

But after receiving the sudden news, it would take a couple of hours before your senses begin to kick back in. You don't have to do anything. Just allow yourself to experience each emotion naturally, one stage at a time. You may have heard the term Acute Stress Reaction (ASR). It's also known as acute stress disorder, psychological shock, mental shock or just shock. I'm mentioning this because during this stage we can fall into 5 general categories:

1. Intrusion: involuntary distressing memories of the trauma or recurrent dreams
2. Negative Mood: persistent inability to experience positive emotions
3. Dissociation: seeing oneself from an outsider's perspective or being in a daze
4. Avoidance: avoidance of memories, thoughts, feelings, people, or places associated with the trauma
5. Arousal: having a hard time falling asleep or staying asleep, irritable behavior or having a hard time concentrating 

These symptoms can last from days to months and if it goes ignored, you can possibly develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, also known as PTSD. It is so easy to fall into anyone, if not all, of these categories. I know from a personal experience, after a traumatic life changing event that took place, I've experienced all 5 but months after the event, intrusion and especially avoidance began to take root while I was making my way through the stages of anger and depression. So, no, you are not alone. Like myself and every other person, there isn't anything wrong with what you are feeling or may have felt.

At this stage (SHOCK), it's early to seek a therapist. It's best to see how things play out for you. However, talking to a mentor, a person that have insight and have experienced what you are feeling would be helpful and make the stages go a little smoother. One thing I can tell you is that you are not the first person that has experienced a traumatic experience. There is nothing new under the sun. Everyone has had their heart broken into a unfixable pieces, loss a job, loss a close love one, even their own child, contacted diseases, and hundreds of other horrible experiences. Everyone had experienced it differently. Some choose to face it and deal with it and some ignore it hoping it will go away and to never feel it again. Only to have it smack them in their face years later, which is now causing issues within their relationships, marriage, job, health, or develop paranoia.

You may run. You may give in to the Flight response, but you can't hide.


Next week: Stage 2: Denial

Mental Spring Cleaning

                                         

MENTAL SPRING CLEANING

MENTAL SPRING CLEANING



I was going to take a break and go into another direction with this post but I realized how many people were hurting and are still healing from life circumstances. I didn't know how many people were in tuned with my past recent posts and realizations that they are coming to concerning themselves, their families, and friends. Many have asked me in emails, where do they go from here? What happens next after they find a therapist? How long does the process takes?
For some, the situations are fresh and for others it's been years and are now learning how to forgive. First, let me say this again, I am NOT an expert, YET. That is one of my goals that I am working toward, MA in Counseling in Mental Health. However, life experiences and my professional development has allowed me to 1.) LISTEN, 2.) LISTEN 3.) LISTEN some more 4.) UNDERSTAND and 5.) HELP those who need a mentor during this time, married couples and singles.

With that being said, I am going to go through certain stages each week. By the third week in May, we will be ready for some summertime fun!!! The season of spring is among us. Spring is renewal. And a lot people do their spring cleaning. They throw out the old to replace it with the new or leave the empty space, empty. I am obsessed with seasonal cleaning. I never wait for springtime. I toss out the clutter at the beginning of each season. Sometimes, we get so caught up with cleaning out of closets, throwing away old clothes, replacing our old clothes with new clothes and detoxing our bodies, we tend to forget about cleaning our minds and allowing ourselves to feel the emotions that life has thrown our way.

                                             

While I was taking psych class in human development, I've came across the 5 stages of grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. After leisurely reading articles and 2 of her books about the stages outside of class, I realized that the stages doesn't only apply to grief by death, but it can also be linked to all of life circumstances that has caused us tremendous grief. One stage which was recently added that I am adding in to the stages here is Shock. The 6 stages of grief that we will explore are:

1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Bargaining
5. Depression
6. Acceptance

So, yes for the next 6 weeks we will be looking at each stage carefully. It will be hard for some and some may have an "ah-ha" moment. Whatever moment you may experience this is your spring cleaning. I encourage you to stay with me during this journey. It will be worth it in the end. How long will this process last is up to you. What I always tell myself and others, is to trust the process and find out what the journey is teaching you.  Don't worry about the later, look at the now. Look at this very moment, this very second. Feel it and accept it. That's where the healing begins. 

So, let's do this thing called life. Let's knock it out, spring clean out our emotions so when the summer comes, you can fully enjoy it! Who wants to spend their summer sulking and emotional, when you can be out enjoying the weather, going to the beach, Broadway shows, riding in an 18 wheeler up and down the East Coast (that's going to be me for an entire week in the summer. I will be posting about that experience.), hanging out with old and new friends. This year, this summer, all of those stages will be left behind and you will be ready to live the best life. BUT you have to put in the work. You can choose not to get help and sweep it aside but no matter where you go and what you do, you're going to have to face it. So either deal with it now or let it consume you later. 

For those who do not have my email and have questions or comments that you don't want to post here or you need me as a mentor you can contact me at ejebron1@gmail.com.

You have more power on the inside of you than you know. 

                                                           

Accountability Partners: Circle of Safety

                                     

Accountability Partners: Circle of Safety

If you were to look at all of your friends and followers on all of your social networks, could you really count on them? How many of those people do you talk to everyday, fine, DMs count. Not all of them right? Ok, lets narrower this down even more. How many of those people in your DMs or on all of your social networks do you have in your phone contacts? Now let's look a little deeper, how many of those people in your phone contact do you talk to almost everyday? Your list got smaller, I know it did. Now, the people that you talk to almost everyday, do you hang out with them a couple of times a month or a week? Those that you hang out with and you have your girl talks or just hanging out with the boys, you realize that they are your friends. Your real friends that you can call, talk, text hang out with. Now which of your friends can you consider having as accountability partners? 

                                     

What are accountability partners?

Before defining an accountability partner, you must first understand that the word accountability means to be responsible and liable for your own actions. An accountability partner is someone who helps another person keep a commitment. I got to tell you, I need accountability partners for some things in my life, such as staying on my workout regime, giving up coffee for Lent (I am a coffee addict), productivity in my career, or not giving into some urges that I would regret later. For me I have a 8 friends, 5 of them are my close friends, and out of those 5, three of them are my accountability partners. (I also have 2 people from my church as an accountability mentors for my Spiritual and mental growth, which is a total of 5 for me.) It's good to have between one to three accountability partners. I'll explain why as we go further along. 

Your accountability partners should be someone who takes time to listen to you and give you wise information for your next step or your present situation or crises. You don't have to talk to them everyday about your situation but whenever you need some advice, motivation or encouragement, they are the ones you should be able to reach out to. Whoever you talk to, you must be able to trust them. You shouldn't have to worry about your situation being discussed when everybody go out, or them making small talk with one of their friends. You have to establish your circle of trust. 

Having an accountability partner is also letting go of your pride and telling them that you need them. Pride will hold you back from becoming the person that you are designed to be. Pride will have you stay closed in and attempt to handle and solve things on your own, with your own power. I've done that before and trust me, it doesn't work. I've tried to figure situations out and solve them on my own only to get hurt and mess up in the end. This is why having one to three accountability partners is needed. You will get different views and perspectives in your situation. Everything shouldn't be one sided. Getting different views can help you form your own conclusions and strengthen areas that you are struggling in. 

Your accountability partners can also help you meet not only personal goals but professional goals. I have 1 accountability partner and 1 friend that helps me concerning my professional development. One thing you must know is, you DO NOT WANT TO BE THE SMARTEST ONE IN YOUR CIRCLE. You should be able to learn from your friends and the circle of safety. You want to grow professionally, then you need to surround yourself with professional goal oriented people who actually achieved or is working on their goals. Having an accountability partner for your professional development should be a must but each one is different. Maybe that's not what you're focusing on right now. Maybe you are doing well in your business (You can always do better, can't we all). Maybe you are struggling in your relationship or marriage. If so, link up with those who are married in different stages. Have married accountability partners who are in the honeymoon stage, 5, 10, or 40 years married. They can help you in your marriage and relationship. Choose one of them to hold you and your spouse or significant other accountable. And let me say, don't count the single people out married couples. Just because people are single doesn't mean they can't give you advice about your marriage. And if you want to get Biblical... the Apostle Paul who wrote most of the New Testament was single and had a lot of advice and a lot to say about married life. 

                                               

                                               

You need accountability partners in your life. You need people with you when you go through the good and the bad. No matter who you choose, you have a right to be choosy. You have the right to be picky. No one needs to know who is in your circle of safety. This is about you and your growth. But remember that they will only hold YOU accountable. You are responsible and liable for your own actions.

                                           

Whisper Out Loud: Who Do I Turn To?

Whisper Out Loud: Who Do I Turn To?: Who Do I Turn To? Professional Listeners..... OK, now what? In last week's post I wrote about Unmasking Mental Health. I've...

Who Do I Turn To?

Who Do I Turn To? Professional Listeners.....

OK, now what?

In last week's post I wrote about Unmasking Mental Health. I've had many questions and emails about what should they do now? Who do they talk to? Many were confused as to where to go for help. There are so many titles today, that it can become quite confusing. One young lady told me that she recently heard about having a Life Coach. She said that, that added to her confusion. I can completely understand the confusion. A Life Coach helps those who are transitions in their careers or other areas in their professional life. I took the time to search the Internet to find the difference between the most common professional listeners. There are comparisons between two or the most three professionals. In this post , you will find who are the main ones, what they do, the differences and similarities between each professional listeners.

The List of Professional Listeners that will be explained are:

• Licensed Mental Health Counselors
• Therapists
• Psychologists
• Psychiatrist

Licensed Mental Health Counselor:

A counselor is a person who is professionally trained to give guidance on personal, social, or psychological problems. Professional counselors help their clients point out goals and solutions to issues that are causing emotional stress. They also help enhance communication and coping skills, raise self-esteem and promote positive behavior change that can help their client's mental health. Counselors would end their counseling with their client when their client's problems either become managed or solved. There are different types of Counselors that can help with particular issues a person may have.  There are:

• Individual Counseling: A personalize session with a counselor that can help the person deal with personal issues such as anxiety, depression, substance abuse, relationship and marital issues, etc.
• Couples Counseling: This session is for couples who are married, engaged or just in a relationship. This type of counseling can help re-establish goals, intimacies and realistic expectations within the relationships. 
• Family Counseling: This counseling session deals with sudden life changes or negative lifestyles of a family member that impacts the family on a deeper level. Most times counselors speak to the family as a whole. They address concerns around parenting, sibling conflict, divorce, death, etc.
• Group Counseling: This session is where you are in a group of  8 to 10 people that have the same issues that you are dealing with, like anger, depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, physical abuse, ect. These groups are lead by one or two lead counselors.

(The difference types of counselors listed above are also grouped in with therapists.)

Therapists: 

A therapists or you may have heard the term psychotherapist, is a licensed mental health professional that helps clients make improvements in their lives, develop better emotional, communication and cognitive skills, reduce some symptoms of mental illness and learn how to cope with some challenges. Therapists will help their clients cope through crises such as break-ups, abuse, suicidal thoughts, grief, trauma, etc. Overall, therapists are there to help improve your mental health.

                                           

Psychologists:

Most psychologists has a Masters Degree or Doctoral Degree in psychology which studies the behavior of the mind and behaviors. Licensed psychologists are qualified to do counseling and psychotherapy, which perform psychological testing and provide treatment for mental disorders. A psychologist can't write prescriptions because they are not medical doctors. Psychologists usually counsel those who have mental illnesses.

Psychiatrist:

Now Psychiatrists are medical doctors that specializes and are experts in mental health. They diagnose and treat people with mental illness. They have a deep understanding of physical and mental health and how both can affect the other. Psychiatrists help people with mental issues such as schizophrenia, depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders and addictions. But psychiatrists isn't just for those with mental issues, they don't box themselves into one area. They also dwell in the psychologists arena too. Some people can see a psychiatrist concerning major life changes, major depression and anxiety, especially those who have anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, obsessive thoughts, violent or emotional outbursts etc. A Psychiatrist can prescribe medication.


                                                         

This is just a few things that each Professional Listeners do. All of them and those that I didn't list can help you in your mental state. The first step is saying that you need help. The next step is finding the help you need. Research and find a therapist within your area that you can talk to. Understand that you may need to sit with them for a couple of sessions before you become fully comfortable. That's the key. You want to sit down and talk to someone that you are comfortable with and know that whatever is discussed during your session with your therapist is between the both of you, unless you are a threat to society or yourself and if YOU tell people what is discussed between you and your therapist.

Find your therapist. Find the help that you need. That is where the healing process can begin. It won't happen overnight. Seeing your therapist can be for short or long term. It all depends on your progress. But go as long as it will take. Remember you have YEARS of baggage that have to be unearthed and pulled from the root. It will not feel good. It will be painful at times but its a process that you have to journey through to embrace the new you, the new way of thinking, the whole you that you are finally piecing back together.


Next week's post: Accountability Partners