Stage 2: Denial: Nope, that didn't happen.
Ok, so you received the bad news. Your world was turned upside down with the devastating news of being laid off, fired, an abrupt break-up, loss of your love one or any kind of upsetting news. So, now it's the unbelief that, that actually happened. A part of your life wasn't destroyed by some kind of unforeseen force. That didn't happen. You're good. You're worth the fight, the wait, the promotion, the love, the one more chance to be with your loved one. We go into denial to avoid the personal problem and the reality. If a situation is too much for us to handle, then we simply refuse to experience it at all. For some of us, that can turn into procrastination. You can continue to put off the experience until you can't put it off any longer. You have no other choice but to face it. But you're not there yet. You're still in denial, like so many others.
Being in denial may reduce the anxiety for a short period of time, but it is not a great way to deal with the situation in the long term. Eventually, the reality of the abrupt situation will kick in and would have no other choice but to feel the upcoming blocked emotions. Not dealing with the situation and staying in denial can have a negative impact in the long run.
I see denial as a lie to oneself. We would lie to ourselves that causes us to stay in denial. That lie can become comfortable. Sometimes people will stay in denial and try to continue their life as if nothing has changed. For example, a loss of a spouse. I've heard stories of spouses, still getting out of bed the day after they hear the news of their husband or wife passing, making breakfast and dinner for two, setting out their belongings, the typical things they do for the other; thinking to themselves that their passed away spouse would appear or come walking through the door. Another example, is after an abrupt break-up, the person is still calling and texting the person the day after as if it the relationship still exists. They're not thinking about the fierce argument that took place the day prior. Here's another example, I had witnessed someone getting fired from their job, only to come back to work the next day, working as if he was never fired the day before. You can imagine everyone's confused expressions. Many of your family and friends, wouldn't say anything too abrupt at this time, but will ease you into the reality of the situation.
Denial can show up in many ways. When you are in denial you:
- Will not acknowledge the situation
- Try not to face the facts of the problem
- Downplay the possible consequences of the issue
In some cases, short term denial can be a good thing. It can give you time to adjust to a painful situation or a very stressful issue. Being in denial can also help you prepare for the life change. For example, after the abrupt break- up, you might need a couple of days to process what happened and come to grips with the life altering changes that lie ahead of you. Or here's one that we all do. We may see something or experience something out of the norm in our body. So, we usually Google it, look it up on WebMd and then give ourselves the pep talk of, "It's nothing. It'll go away." And then we ignore it. Only to see that the lump has gotten larger or the pain has spread further up our back or leg. But as we come to terms and come out of denial, we approach the situation either more rationally or become angry as reality has finally taken a hold of our mind.
I want you to know that it is okay to tell someone that you don't want to talk about the situation. I still say this to some of my situations. You might need time to still work through what happened or to new circumstances. But understand that being in denial is temporary. So how do you come out of denial?
- Be honest with yourself.
- Realize the consequences of your procrastination.
- Embrace your emotions. Don't suppress it.
- Journaling
- Go to your circle of safety or accountability partner(s)
Bottom line: You have to want to enter reality.
Next week: Stage 3 Anger
